Already in our heart, someday in our arms

Al-Baqarah: 216

...But it is possible that you dislike a thing which is good for you, and that you love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knows, and you know not.

On July 19, I went to the doctor for an ultrasound scan. Earlier that morning I took a UPT; to my surprise I saw two very clear lines. The doctor then confirmed my pregnancy and told me the baby measured approximately 6 weeks.

Subhanallah! My sweetheart and I have been waiting for this moment for so long but still the news of my pregnancy was totally unexpected. I officially have a due date. March 5.

However, along with the good news came the upsetting part; they could not detect a heartbeat (I did scheduled a second opinion appointment at another place). The doctors decided we should come back in two weeks and have another ultrasound.

We're trying to be optimistic knowing that there is nothing we can do at this point. We're hoping for the best and prepare ourselves for the worst as there might be a chance of ... I asked my husband if I could tell everyone and he insisted that we wait. We chose to tell only our parents, families and a few colleagues.

We were excited, overjoyed, anxious- not knowing the faith of the baby I was carrying. While we nervously wait for our next review, we pray to Allah to give us strength and patience. Allah does not put a burden on a soul that it can not bear.

I did a second ultrasound scan on July 31 at KPJ Sabah Specialist Hospital. Our worst nightmare came true; no fetal heartbeat noted. I was found to have a missed miscarriage corresponding to 7 weeks of pregnancy. The unexplainable sadness kicked in.

I was scheduled to have an ERPOC on August 2. It is exactly 2 weeks after I found out I was pregnant.

Our ttc journey will start again.

I know that Allah has been with us each and every step of the way.

I feel helpless sometimes. Especially, when the people around me announce they're expecting. But then I try to remind myself that I am blessed. Allah loves me just as much as those ladies. And then I go hug my husband.

Don’t think about the few things you didn't get after praying; think about the countless beautiful things Allah gave you without asking…